Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
