if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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