Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
