I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
