So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
