my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
