Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I think your dad took our porno
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
