He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
