these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
