I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
