Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
