I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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