You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
