Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
