Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
