the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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