Already got asked if we're dating
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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