hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
