I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
