i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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