He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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