booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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