Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
