We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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