ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
