im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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