No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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