Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
wow bdsm is so cute
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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