You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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