I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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