i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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