he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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