she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
