I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
