i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
