He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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