Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Send help, water and tortillas.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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