Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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