Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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