Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
