the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Bring me that man meat
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
