I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
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