Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
