it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
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