Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
