I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
