When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Randomize
