I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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