her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
