And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
