im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
