Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
