Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize