dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
