so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Randomize
