During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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