He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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