Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
