before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
