cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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