A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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