I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
