Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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